what makes me happy

 :: someone told me to think about what makes me happy, instead of harnessing the things and traits inside of me to make someone else happy. a lot of things make me happy, such as talking to my friends online but i have to be patient because they're busy and i'm a bit of a hikkikomori right now.

what makes me the most happiest is dressing up, but i'm still collecting cute pieces right now. i fear i might've made liking anime some sort of a personality trait for me because anime doesn't make me explicitly happy, it's more like anime-styled video games that do. i've always been neutral at best towards anime, sometimes it can heighten your understanding of a world, sometimes not.

somehow i feel like i've lost my entire world even though i exist peacefully. my room is quiet with no loud music or cursing happening, especially when my brother isn't home, there's just sounds of the wind and whatnot, and i can draw, play video games or do whatever i'd like for the most part. 

i feel like recording social media videos can be really draining especially if they're not absolutely perfect. i tend to be distracted easily. 

it feels like there's a terrifying stigma around a lot of things that i enjoy that aren't even controversial, because people of my past are still holding onto whatever i've done wrong, it makes it hard to enjoy certain things such as anime and certain youtubers. i want to do certain things like livestreaming but it feels like a lot of people come out of their shell to just upset me like my brother or strangers online.

the fellow hikkikomori i suprisingly met on a dating website just ghosted me but i thought nothing of it, it truly isn't my problem.

honestly, it would be nice to be in a relationship. that's something i have more than enough free time for right now, and i would be able to focus on the other person a thousand percent. i've been able to become more self indulgent thanks to the advice, but still.

i guess i'll handle this manner more privately. goodbye for now. 

i really do love blogging, but i'm at a loss of what to write about right now.