too toxic to publish this?

 i just wanted to vent about how i felt about my favorite content creator. she's been my favorite since 2020. i knew of her before then, but i got hooked on her content at that time. please refrain from trying to be rude to me for this post, i just needed to vent somewhere. 

thought i was a special content creator but then i see my favorite vlogger get to go to surprise trips on disneyland, and a water park all in the same month lol 🙃 she even went to another amusement park the month before. 

i know it's not pretty to feel jealous or envy, but i do feel envious. especially considering when my family brought my brother to disneyland twice, but i was never taken there. my brother is an equivalent to a rotten piece of coal.

i just hope she's enjoying herself, these videos are hard to watch for me because i just enjoyed her cooking videos more. i was inspired by her, but now it feels like she's better than me just because she gets to go on all of these adventures.. 

part of me also thinks "whats the point of me supporting her" because she already has these wonderful friends that bring her to these amusement parks for surprise. how does she meet such kind people anyways? also, when i try to write supportive comments, i don't get a reaction or reply from her, which is okay to be honest, people have more priorities than posting things online.. but what is her reasoning for it if she just ignores her fans? also, maybe something might be wrong with you if you seek validation to be seen as small and cute all the time, even in public, i mean she's been doing this for years.. 

she kind of passes off her mannerisms of obviously trying to be cute as "this is how i normally am!!" and its obvious to girls..

i'm not trying to hate on her at all, but yeah.. 

also.. im glad she moved on from drama that was happening to her when she was first starting out in around 2012 or something. im glad to see her just living her life and continuing to make content, but she doesnt heart comments and only replies to condesending replies and makes videos on them. it feels like she focuses on a world of negativity sometimes..  i guess youtube is just a video diary for her, and that's fine. idk if i'll keep supporting her because she always gave me a bad sense of FOMO, especially when she got her hair colored to the exact same unique color i wanted in high school..

that's it.