splitting

 i believe splitting occurs when a proposed "reality" challenges someones' stored values and beliefs. well, i do believe values = beliefs, but sometimes they need to be distinguished. 

i guess i split when my ex-boyfriend wasn't supportive in the slightest after me acting impulsively when feeling rejected by this "friend group" i knew for several years before that point. even when i found myself being distracted from this relationship, he could care less. he was fine with everything. it's not like i was seeking freedom at all, if anything, maybe i was seeking possessiveness. i guess i entered the relationship because it fit a ideal to me, a cool gamer guy that was the same age as me, but i didn't know i entered a new arena of aggressive hell. 

i just wish he treated me like a human. even the people he called slurs, he treated with more humanity. i wish i never gave him any portals to understanding my emotions. all i have is some feel-good memories but the rest is fine discomfort. he said that "All you want to do is to be worshipped" and that genuinely confused the fuck out of me because how so in all of my actions of 2 years of us knowing each other could suggest that i wanted to be "worshipped". sometimes i wonder if he even knows what these words mean.

he's just ignorant and in my opinion, desperately doing "extreme" actions on paper to get a diagnosis of something. he already managed to get what he wanted somewhat, but i would never believe in him because he's just, a awful person and i would tell him to get out of my office. that's the honest to god truth.

i was introduced to this song.

the title is "because i'm a person", with depressing yet defining vocals from kaai yuki. the song is basically about a girl who is a twin of another girl living through a miserable cycle of living, but wonders when she'll die. she defines people with a tunnel-vision mindset as people, especially those who say common phrases such as "this is the discovery of the century" and such.

even in death, they are in a miserable cycle, or at least thinking in a perspective light, believing that if they died, it would be boring and they want to return to the times where they were "alive". the bottom line is, how can they leave proof of their existence and life? other people are leaving evidence, maybe unintentionally that they were once alive by walking through life's many doors and unpredictable events.

this song feels like an evidence of a splitting episode, without maybe it being intentional. who really knows except the composer theirselves.

i found myself gravitating because it was simple for me to also say enough phrases like that as well, and i've acted in the past that could also be described as one-track minded. without saying too much, the song reminded me of my fondness for asian culture and japanese things, so i kind of became a vessel of that. i guess it came out weird due to the diagnoses that i have. this infuriated my ex-boyfriend and he immediately started berating me. to be fair, i feel as if i've been gaslighted in this entire relationship believing that i mattered and that he loved me. 💀 that's why i hated seeing youtube couples that are lying straight to their audience that they loved each other when their relationship seems almost pre-written on paper, and flat like it, too. it was very upsetting to see them around.

i tried to bring up things that should've mattered to him, but he was just literally existing in a vacant space that would've been better for someone else. i'm still hurting from his actions because it conflicts with my values and i'm not willing to self-destruct myself to match his philosophy of how i should be as a person. i wish that we never met, and i never spoke to him. even someone questionable was better than him.