i'm upset

 i had to leave a music related server because i felt invalidated and stupid. i didn't learn the chords for my ukulele yet and i've been playing completely freelanced. i was receiving validation from my family member who knows how to play it and his chords as well, and then when i join the server and explain to them my issue i'm being talked down to and feel like as if i am stupid. i don't want to give those people any feeling as if "i won, i made the "smaller" person" leave the group chat" but i left because i feel like learning these chords is a bit overwhelming for me due to my mental health.

i guess my mental health might be truly in the dumps if i can't even play a simple ukulele song. i feel ashamed that i even started to gain a interest in music if i can't even explain myself or my thoughts. the person that told me to keep making music invalidated me when i viewed someone being racist towards me. my mother would probably say this would all be avoided if i stopped joining group chats, and i know that goes for a more simpler life but sometimes i rather commit suicide than feel so lonely at times.

i feel silly for even asking for help. i'm not trying to be dramatic, but my musical dreams wasn't supported as much as my male family members. when i was around 2-3 years old i was trying to play the spongebob theme song and a few other songs on the piano my great grandmother had. i was learning, although i forgot where i had learnt everything. my parents didn't care about excelling my knowledge anywhere at all. when i discovered my parents had piano learning books that they only brought for my brother to use, and they hid it for years, i felt invalidated and frustrated. they could've easily passed this knowledge to me, despite the destructive illustrations my brother made in it. 

i think i have a certain amount of validity belief when it comes to interacting with people online. if they're self destructive to an extent, i don't really care what they think of me. if they're healthy and kind, then that hurts.

then again, there were other red flags:

• the first thing that came out of a criticizer's mouth is that my music made their head hurt.
• it's "wild" i didn't learn the foundations of a instrument i literally just received less than a month ago. 
• the annoying emphasis of how much of a good person they are that they learnt their tabs and chords before their ukulele came in the mail.
• don't bother asking us for help if you're going to come to a conclusion yourself.

i guess i'll focus on something i'm actually good at, like drawing and writing. i don't want to give up on music but i'm discouraged right now. i'm not even sure if i can look at idol, anything right now. i fucking hate oshi no ko, so i'm not looking at things related to that.

i was going to block the jerk that made me feel invalidated in the first place, but they unfriended me first, which shows that they didn't really like me that much in the first place. oh well, time to find a actually supportive place. i'm not that disappointed because they can be easily be replaced by someone more kinder. 

i'm really confident in my singing to be honest. i won't let anyone mow me down because i've practiced singing for years alone with no professional teaching. i had to sing for school, and religious events. 

i'm tired of receiving support and green flags from people who quickly decide they don't want to be part of my life in the first place. well, more power to me. 

i can't even say, "lets go eat sushi or something" because i did exactly that and i still couldn't be happy. i even got a onigiri and my mood was still pretty bad. i barely had an appetite. agh.

thanks for reading this.

bye-bye