general annoyance

 i had a crush on a youtuber. i also had a crush on someone that came to me first. they took screenshots of my silly vent art i made to comfort that person that came to me first. if i have to be honest, it's just that i feel deeply uncomfortable. it seemed the concept of letting me down easy was nonexistent to the youtuber. i feel like im in purgatory. i feel like i can't express those characters, but i should stop holding myself back. those characters were made to comfort me and a lot of premeditated thought was put into planning those characters and their story. its not a unwise decision to talk to the youtuber about it but i dont know what to do. i feel embarrassed and it hurts how more careless people are getting more acceptance and kindness than me. i'm not going to change myself to get respect from disrespectful people, however.

i haven't been doing my usual hobbies that made that person attracted to me in the first place. it's a reminder and i don't want the same nonsensical events to repeat again. now my mind is fixated on them like gum in someone's hair. even though they too are nowhere to be found.