feels like we are slowly dying

 i havent been able to veberalize anything i need to say at all.. i feel like english is a new language for me all of a sudden. i feel like im dying. i cant remember or think about anything. i cant ask for help or anything. not even in my dream. this language looks new all of a sudden. i have bad ptsd and im worried this might be it. i dont know what is "killing me" though. my mind is being flooded with disturbing pictures. and im scared to listen to music. am i turning stupid or something? what is happening to me? its so hard to read or verberalize anything so quickly as much as i used to. will i only be able to communicate in mandarin? do i just need a cup of tea and a nice shower??

when i was learning in elementary school, i had took notes in these notebooks. my father stole these notebooks and started to take his own notes into it. i felt like that maybe overwritten my memory of everything i've learnt but i worked hard to try to not let that get to me but somehow its getting to me.

i also got this doll that reminded me of my ancestors and somehow i'm concerned this will be  a cultural and mental reset for some reason. i always wanted to die for years and maybe this have sealed my fate. the most thing i can do is trust within myself. 

my memories are burning up. idk why i can't have a easy adolescence, but no one said it was going to be easy. all i have are memories of my family being against me and what i would like.  calling everything ugly and hideous. making fun of me when i cry. not letting me watch the shows that i want to watch. maybe i shouldn't have touched my ds before i've fallen asleep.