jealousy from fictional situations

just like the protagonist of "she, the ultimate weapon", i find myself returning to the same place where we met, not necessarily where we "fell in love". i suppose that was in private conversations between us.. 

even though i already had a traumatizing situation earlier this year related to it, and felt disappointed throughout my entire runtimes here, i still find myself persisting. even after my guy friend told me to just completely forget about you, i still care. 

i feel confused about myself, so i think maybe the best coarse of action is to care for people no matter what self destructive habits they engage in, because they had a inherit value that led to you meeting them and led to this moment being together. you can still value the moments and time you had with people together after they did that action. i avoid them like the plague as to not get badly influenced, but i guess the question is if i'm really that naive? i have no way to really "test" if i am that easily malleable or influenced, i try my best to be strong.

i feel tired watching anime with romance elements because i fear i probably sabotaged the best romance story of my life, and i don't even want to talk about the past. i'm tired of seeing cute girls get flustered, because the times where i did get flustered in real life got poisoned by the eyes of jealous onlookers, and endings flushed with tragedy and no resolves. i'm just so generally confused as a person. so to remedy this, i guess i shouldn't just ghost and hurt people anymore, just because they chose to not like theirselves, once. 

all of this time focused on interpersonal relationships, and completely forgetting that i'm going to die someday. i hope to be surrounded by love, like what my ex can't stop talking about.

maybe in the future, i'll be eating my words, i don't know. i'm not really that desperate for friends. i tried my best to love and accept F. even though he just blocked me as if we were talking about nothing. i don't want to seem desperate or any nonsense, so i'll just leave him alone, forever.

so take ??? of returning to this miserable server. yaay..

thank you and byebye