🔲Sweet Kuroneko♣️

 i don't really understand why anyone does anything.

at first, i thought she was just doing that with herself. it's with someone that understands her. how is that possible?

even though i've been online for more than 10 years, i haven't met a single person who was willing to understand me to that level, and created acts of love for me. it must be healing to receive all of those things, all of those kinds of love, yeah?

i'm starting to think that "i'm venting too much" like what my friend had once said but i need to talk about my discomfort regarding this. i feel tired because it gives a illusion that she's surrounded by supportive friends and everything but it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel true that she gets to have a supportive person after everything she had done, to her friends, partners, family and even me. it hurts. and this has been going on for years.

why do i even care? the water level is too high, and its hard to keep my head up. i just generally feel sick of the abuse i have endured for almost half my life.  that's why. why is the abuser getting roses while i'm still personally waiting for someone to appreciate who i am? thats whats sucky about it. i don't grief her, i loathe her, and i made it really obvious this year. thought i was doing the right thing from everyone pressuring me to "Stand up for myself" like years ago. somehow i feel guilty, but she has literally no positive intentions in her life.

so yeah, i just feel tired but i shouldn't. she's chasing something she literally doesn't have. the video editor or whoever is making these little videos of her for her is just desperately trying to cheer her up, but this little fantasy world she has made for herself will all plummet down eventually, so grab your popcorn and 3d visors, because it's going to happen in front of us after all. 

i just wish people worried about me. it doesn't matter. i know that my abuser's "personality" and "kindness" is a facade. she still has this big influence on me. i just want to leave this miserable place for good and be free and be surrounded by "love" like how my ex won't stop bragging about.

that's it.

thanks for reading.. bye-bye.

(i wrote this entire post in lower case it makes me seem like i'm writing in all caps lol)