how i'm doing without you

 It's safe to say that I've been absolutely traumatized due to a lack of being with you. My life feels empty, and I can't look ar anything new without being reminded of you most of the time unless it's something that I never told you about.

Even though you didn't want to see my face.

Even though you were trying to lead me on.

It's not like it's nothing without you. What comforted me was the world  i had and was developing while you were here, but it was easy for it to not develop if I didn't self advocate for myself. I would've easily had nothing.

I finally realized my "loving" ex of 1 year was abusive. If there's anything I learnt, I can't settle in life. 

Sometimes being with you felt painful because I wanted you to say nice things about me, but I guess asking wouldn't have hurt. The more I acknowledge my feelings, the more I realize how much I've lost. So if this is the lesson that you wanted me to learn, it's certainly been internalized.

I'm leaving the stage of grieving and I'm dangerously close to the stage of "i deserve to suffer/have bad things happen to me", etc. I just can't stop thinking about what could've been, even if everyone says that this isn't my fault.

I surprisingly changed a lot ever since we stopped talking. I'd like to think that I became more open minded to people. If you have experiences that you value with other people then it's more important than anything else.

I felt like everyone meets this special person once in their life, not necessarily a romantic partner that helps them progress in their life, but not as a stepping stone. 

I guess I was just acting stupid when I believed I could be anything as your friend, as one person had said that you could've just been using me as a outlet. I just felt glad that someone else was there to enjoy a niche interest with, and then I got a placebo of a "replacement". It was too painful to experience. I'm just trying my best to survive all of these changing tides, and maybe once these waves all calm down, we could be reunited.

But still. I just wanted to catch you as you were falling, and enjoy that pleasant sensation. This sucks. I know that I'm a strong and brave girl, as others have told me. 

I'm just glad that things came before you, otherwise this would've diminished me for good.

Bye-bye