agoraphobia

 i fear i might've developed a agoraphobia. i went outside yesterday for a few hours to search for a game console. instead of my heart being fulfilled with happiness and optimism, it was full of fear because i couldn't predict what other people could do to me. on every train or bus ride, there is at least one person staring at me through the entire ride. two men took photos of me in the past few weeks. i feel discouraged to go outside out of late. i went to a new area, and honestly, besides the game console i don't see myself having a reason to go to such a area, where people are definitely entitled to how they feel, i'm surprisingly better off in this terrible local area i had to grow up in. i'm grateful for my shelter of course but it hurts me knowing there could've been better options for me. 

i actually had this phobia since i was around 13, but it gotten better over the years. i can't find a reason to feel comfortable, safe and productive at home thanks to my sibling. to put it lightly, he's abusive. 

also, this is unrelated but why do i keep losing the people that i live for? it's not directly, i lived for myself and then i suppose as a gift from the universe, i meet people that fulfill that existence, almost as a "thank you" or something. it's really hard for me to die to be honest. i didn't realize i chose that much of a great life.

• i tried to play with matches, but something told me to stop doing that in the last minute.
• almost fell down in the ocean near my college, if it wasn't for my parents telling me to focus on school, i would've fallen to my end.
• i ate seafood and a protein bar i thought i would be allergic to, but nothing happened.
• i keep eating spicy food hoping it would overwhelm my system too much.
• i tried to go outside alone many times hoping something bad would happen, but nothing happened.
• dressing in my fashion style didn't attract any bad attention (not to say that i'm doing it for that)

and other failed micro-attempts.

anyways, returning to the topic, my agoraphobia got better, but it seemed to return yesterday. i only got a sense of relief at areas where there was less than 10 people. i felt a little awkward when people sat next to me but i'm trying to get more used to it. i guess i'm a little afraid of strangers pointing at me and trying their best to make me feel awful, they take time out of their day to make me feel smaller or something like that. i know i care a lot about what other people think about me, but there's a reason, it's not exactly "meaningless".

goodbye now.