bad experiences

 i can finally come out about this. everytime i get to write about it, my fears consume me for the most part or i feel like i'm a bad person for writing this so i tend to cancel it but i need to come out about this now.

in high school there was a female presenting person that reminded me of myself, like exactly, as if my online self was a person, because it seemed that it was a personification of my innocent light hearted side that tends to come out when i was online.

we also both liked bo en.

i didnt realize that she was younger than me until later on, when she was asking for help for her homework and such.

unfortunately, i realized how much of a bad person they are. my mother always told me to be around people that "look like me" so i tried my best to be kind although to be honest, that's practically a elementary school lesson that should be unlearnt throughout time, especially in public school. 

they made me uncomfortable when they said that i reminded them of cream the rabbit. sonic x is a pretty precious show to me, and thats how i discovered that character but it felt a bit hitting too close to me remembering the bunny fursona i used to have as a child and my brother bullying me for liking certain characters but not even "getting that far in the show to understand the context" when i was in middle school. it made me feel as if they had ulterior motives.

i'm trying to be grateful for what life had gave me in the past. that wasn't the only red flag though. she wanted me to play a game that involved sharing the files on your phone. my phone had at least like, 10k photos on it, of all sorts of things. i didn't play it, and i guess they found it cute or whatever.

i tried to introduce her to kamikaze girls to learn about lolita fashion, because i wish i had a friend to do that to me and she seemed into vocaloid almost as much as i did, but it was more of a casual interest to her.

we had a friend group composed of her boyfriend, and two other friends from her singing classes. so that wasnt bad to feel included until i saw the reality of the group. they had potty mouths to put it lightly. i felt embarrassed to be around them, honestly.

it's strange because someone i hoped the best for, wanted me gone and dead the most it seemed. we happened to share a class together which confused the fuck out of me because she's younger than me by at least a year or two and that was a senior only class (this happened in high school).

she really made my ptsd flare up, and my mental health worse. she was selfish and didn't care about how others feel. she almost ruined the life i yearned so hard for in high school. i tried to accept that i was better off alone but i kept seeing her around with other people. i was also going through a break up so i was trying to appreciate people in the "real world" than the online world.

i felt jealous of her because she seemed to be able to express herself more and make friends and even have relationships that i couldn't have, because my parents are too insecure and felt uncomfortable with me even wearing things such as a dress or a skirt to school. they made fun of my appearance whenever i did my hair by myself but i didn't let that define me. i just wished and hoped i could be free like her and stop getting verbally chewed out by my teacher unlike other people who were free from it due to their appearance but also it sucks because they were also shitty people.

i also forgot to mention that they were incredibly racist, this girl and her friends. they were suffering from internalized racism but i kept my distance because i don't want to also internalize that and become someone who hates theirselves. that was the main reason why i felt embarrassed to be around them. they walked around believing that self hatred is cool or whatever.

i guess i feel awkward because i never took the chance to really use these kids as a stepping stone for validation, its just that we shared the same interest and that was rare because i couldnt find anyone that would talk to me that liked the same things as me, people were picky with who they wanted to be friends with. we liked danganronpa, vocaloid and nintendo and they matched "my minority background".

i feel annoyed because i confided in an online friend about this and caused a giant shitstorm of drama that made me delete my safe space, so yeah.

i just hope life gets better for me.

goodbye