006 :: a forgotten memory

     another person that i may remember from the past. his name reminded me of danganronpa. he was very kind to me. he helped me while i was struggling, but then he started to morph into some kind of monster during a argument by a third party. it's funny because our relationship was many people's ideals, and it got ruined by someone who is honestly not very special, L-O-L. oddly enough, after we had to split paths, my laptop started to mysteriously not work anymore and break down. it was almost as if something was paranormal. that's why i was scared to write about this, especially on my special blog because i don't want anything mysteriously bad to happen to my blog or myself. the person that they were with, seemed controlling and i had no idea how to break my friend out of her grasp.

his icon was the character i had a crush on ever since i was a little girl. now whenever i see the character, i get heart palpations.. i don't want to see a doctor about it. i think i'll feel better if i get a keychain or something that reminds me of him ;u; (the character, not this oi oi bastard)

that made it harder to avoid his attempts to constantly flirt with me. i admit that this is what i wanted to experience. it's just i was confused on my own morals. i was self indulgent to an extent but i just wanted him to only focus on me. that other person felt like a distraction to be blunt with everyone. that led to a argument when i was just being honest to her. 

it led me to be distrusting of certain people. it led to me being less open minded, but that's fine.

everytime i tried to speak about it, i trembled from fear and there were times where i couldn't talk. i could only speak in short instances and hold in my emotions. i ended up getting a new diagnosis. i tried to tell my mother, but she said that this is all basically my fault. :] 

i don't know if i miss him. the truth is, i kind of do, but i don't miss being berated and having to sacrifice the last of my mundane high school days crying with no way to communicate and being depressed, being isolated by everyone who claimed to care about me in the first place. there was one person that was helping me, but i had to distance myself.

that all happened two years ago now..

are you happy?

i'm just proud of my own bravery for even being able to write about something like this. it's been so long and not even my ex could really help me with something like this other than just apologizing. i've been lost in my life ever since that happened to me, and i was already trying to heal from a past trauma and this made it incredibly more worse.  i was simply wondering why do bad things keep happening to me and nothing but good things happen to undeserving people. it's over, now. i wish that third person wasn't there, but it's fine. i got weird ways to cope, i suppose.

 Goodbye